Nick Kallas Nominated to Supreme Court

(Reuter) In a move that surprised observers across the political spectrum, the White House announced that Nick Kallas of Illinois would be nominated to the Supreme Court. Several of the current Justices are expected to take the early retirement buyout that was recently negotiated with the SEIU, thus averting a threatened strike that might have thrown the government into turmoil. So several new nominations are in the works.

In a prepared statement released today, the President said: “It gives me great pleasure to announce the nomination of an incredible American. Everyone who knows him describes Nick as a man of empathy and compassion, with an instinctive understanding of the needs of the little guy. His long years of service in education and in the non-profit sector, and his vast knowledge of cosmetology combined with his skills in operating heavy machinery make him uniquely qualified to understand the problems of working Americans. I am sure he will make a unique contribution to our Nation’s highest court.”

“Nick who???” was the most common reaction from professional pundits, many of whom are so out of touch they had never heard of the famous slumlord and philanthropist. Of course, partisan political commentators on both the right and left such as Rush Limbaugh, James Carville, and Ed Rosenau were quick to condemn the new choice as insufficiently ideological for their tastes. On the other hand, many heartily approved of the selection and applauded the President for thinking outside the box. A man giving his name only as “Dave” immediately began jumping for joy when he heard the news. “That’s effing FANTASTIC!!” he shouted. “I can’t believe it! This is the best thing that could have happened for the mu--, I mean, for the country!!!” He was last seen doing handsprings down Central Avenue.

Before the nomination is considered by the full Senate, it must first be approved by the Senate Subcommittee on Deals of the Week. The subcommittee’s lawyers have requested thousands of pages of documents to investigate. The current plan is to use a front-loader to dump the entire contents of Nick’s office (seen at right) into a container and ship it to Washington. That should keep those government lawyers busy and out of trouble for months.

It is highly unusual for a Supreme Court nominee to comment on cases currently pending, but Nick is a man unfettered by petty notions of decorum. He let it be known that he would definitely favor granting cert in the ongoing litigation about DL&W 952. So the time to start sending in your bribes is NOW, folks!