Safety First

I can only hope Harold doesn't hear about this.  He'll give me a six-month suspension for sure.

Museum Within a Museum

You know, with a little imagination we could have a fantastic museum of contemporary art, out in the material yard.

Something like this:

I personally prefer art from the Middle Ages, but that's just me.

Doctors Reveal This One Weird Trick for Curing Your Feelings of Inferiority

Are you plagued by feelings of inferiority?  Are people laughing at you behind your back, ignoring your brilliant suggestions, dismissing you as a has-been?  Recent tests by medical experts reveal a surprising way to fix this lamentable situation.

Holding your beer in one hand, rapidly punch your other fist against a hard metal surface again and again.  Any hard surface will do.  C'mon, man, punch harder!  After 30 minutes or so, you will find that any feelings of inferiority are no longer a problem.  It's genius!  

Authentic Rail Cars

 When it was reported in the local paper that three authentic "rail cars" were going to be put in place on a street in downtown Naperville, it sounded interesting.

You can imagine my delight when they appeared.

You have to admit, these "rail cars" are about as authentic as they come.  And if the parking meters ever run out on these things, they may appear at a museum near YOU!!

FREE! Retirement Planning Seminars

NOTE:  This public service announcement was submitted several weeks ago, before the virus crisis hit.  The seminars are currently on hold, of course, but they will certainly resume as soon as possible.  In the meantime, it's always good to plan ahead!

If you're thinking about retirement, you probably have lots of questions.  Such as:

• How can I stay healthy and active during retirement?
• What can I do to make a positive, lasting contribution to the community?
• How can I keep my assets from falling into the hands of those idiot in-laws who always hated me?
• And more besides...

Help is on the way!

Our expert teams of professional retirement counselors are ready to provide the answers you've been looking for.  With a series of lunch-time seminars designed to fit your needs, we'll give you information you can use, while dining in elegant surroundings.   And it's completely free -- all you have to do is bring your own food!  Like this:

And, as time permits, we'll cover other fascinating topics, such as:

• Why the Germans lost World War II
• How steamboats worked
• The best lawn-care products on the market
• How much my next-door neighbor knows about antique cars
• The personal defects of various politicians
• Vacation destinations to avoid
• and on and on and on....

But you have to act soon!   Call the number at the bottom of your screen to sign up today.   Available spaces are filling up fast!

The next available seminar will be held:

Time:     Wednesday, date TBA      11:30 AM

Place:     Henry's Candlelight Cafe,  43½  S. Depot St., East Union, Ill.

Don't delay, or you'll be sorry!

IRM lunches are not government certified, not FDA insured, may lose value.  No refunds.  Offer not valid where prohibited or taxed.

Robo-Motormen™ Are Here!

By now everybody is familiar with the concept of self-driving automobiles.  The next step forward is the development of self-operating electric cars for museum service!  And as usual, Hicks Car Works is at the cutting edge of technology.  We are hard at work perfecting the Robo-Motorman™ which will revolutionize the operations at trolley museums across the country.  Use the handy decision tree below to see whether the Robo-Motorman™ may be right for your operation.

No more accelerating too fast or too slow, because the Robo-Motorman™ senses the motor current automatically.  No more braking too hard or not hard enough.  No more being distracted by passengers.  And no modifications to the car are required.

If you're still not convinced, consider these undeniable advantages of using Robo-Motormen™:

• They always show up for work when they're supposed to
• They don't complain about working conditions
• They don't bore the passengers with stupid jokes  (However, once the bugs are worked out, the Stupid Joke Monologue™ will be available as an option in future models.)
• They're not subject to HOS limits (I hope)
• They sense dangerous situations automatically

The Model 3 prototype at work.

So don't delay!   Call the number at the bottom of your screen to order your Robo-Motorman™ today.   Operators are standing by to take your call!

Labor Relations at IRM

I had some serious grievances about the awful working conditions at IRM and the way management was mistreating me, so between tricks, I went to the local rep for my particular museum craft union, the Brotherhood of United Misrepair Specialists, to complain.

He was very friendly and helpful, but after listening to my maudlin tales of woe, he said that this was too serious for him to address, so he referred me to the Vice President of the Brotherhood.   When I went to the VP's office, however, the reception was not quite what I expected:

I went ahead and made my complaints, however.  I was afraid this might make him lose his head.

Which in fact happened, but after some discussion we both came to an agreement and were a lot happier.  That's why you want to have an expert handling your labor relations.  So I have decided to keep working and not go on strike.  Whew!

(Note: This was posted a day early, due to a schedule conflict with an important religious holiday.   After all, we wouldn't want to create Mass confusion.)

R Nu Look

This blog has now been active for more than nine years (has it really been that long?) but times change.  In order to post something, we have to sit down, organize our thoughts, write out complete sentences and fix any errors, and try to make sense.  That's not only a lot of work, it's just so 2016.

So after giving the matter very little thought, we've decided to get with the social media thing like everybody else.  You'll get the latest news within seconds, no matter how trivial, absurd, or just plain false.  Hey, we can provide wild, unchecked, ridiculous rumors with the best of them!

Of course, plenty of useless comments like "lol" will be encouraged.  And don't worry, besides the occasional railroad-related tweet, we'll have lots of cat videos, obnoxious comments about health care, abortion, immigration, and taxes, and news of incredible medical advances:

So be sure to like us on Twitter, follow us on Facebook, and so on.  U gotta get with it!

Movie Extras Needed!

IRM has been a Mecca for movie producers ever since A League of Their Own, and another big movie production at our Museum will be starting soon!  The working title for this big-budget feature is The Motorman Always Rings Twice, and it's being produced by one of the major Hollywood studios.   (We're not at liberty to say which one.)   It includes a cast of thousands, and the call has gone out for lots of extras.  Details on how and where to apply will be available soon.  So the Board has asked us to help publicize this unique opportunity.  You'll be seeing more about this in the local papers in a few days, but remember: you read it here first.

The producers are looking for people who can play to one or more of the following types:

• Gangsters
• Crooked lawyers
• Hoboes and other anti-social derelicts
• Snooty know-it-alls
• General riff-raff
• etc.

Now I have no idea why they think they can find people of this disreputable sort among IRM volunteers.  I certainly don't know any.  But they're professionals, they must know what they're doing.  As for myself, it will take considerable effort, but I can probably make a good impression as an anti-social derelict:

So I'm going to show up for the auditions!   How about you?

Better Keep Moving

My Last Post -- Farewell!

I've been running this blog for more than six years now, and I must say I did indeed appreciate all the kind words and comments from various readers over the years.  Thanks!  But the fact is, I've completely run out of new and interesting things to say, and so I've finally decided it's time to say goodbye.  This will be my last blog post.  Frank and David and Al may choose to keep blogging if they like, that's up to them.

Furthermore, I've just gotten bored with the railway preservation field as a whole, and IRM in particular.  It's time to take up some other hobby in my old age.

 Body-building and incredible feats of physical strength might be a good choice.  I'll let you know how it turns out.

David writes......

One of our intrepid correspondents has found a picture of the results of Randall's new emphasis on fitness:

 

Excavation Begins For Buried Locomotive

Another exciting IRM project has just begun: excavation for a steam locomotive buried on our property.  This is thought to be a Milwaukee Road streamlined Class A 4-4-2 as seen here.  (Photo from Don Ross.) The story of how it got there should be familiar to old-timers.

There was a local eccentric who had planned to develop an amusement park right in front of IRM's property.  As the story goes, part of the plan was to put a steam locomotive on display as an attraction, and so he purchased one of these magnificent engines from the scrapper and had it moved to the site.

But due to a construction accident, plans for the amusement park had to be cancelled, and so in a rage he dug a large hole under cover of darkness and dumped the locomotive into it.  He then graded over it and planted the ground next spring.  As a result, nobody was sure exactly where it was buried, or even if the story was true.

But we own the land now, and the IRM Physics Department has just completed a magnetometer survey and located a large ferromagnetic mass which is consistent with the size and shape of the locomotive.  Luckily, it's not very far down.  I'm planning to do the excavation by hand, because a backhoe or other machinery would be liable to damage this priceless artifact.  This will be an unparalleled addition to our collection.  Hey, it's worked for other people, why not us?

Of course, any help would be appreciated.  Please bring your own shovel.

Breaking News: New Volunteer Opportunities!

(Reuter) The Chicago Transit Authority announced today that in a move to cut operating costs, reduce the huge budget deficits and stem the flow of red ink which threatens the agency's future and also makes the floors slippery, operation of CTA trains would be opened to volunteers. And of course, the obvious choice to manage all these new volunteers is the Illinois Railway Museum. IRM members now have the opportunity to bid on runs all over the system.

Nick Kallas, Executive Director of the Museum, said in a prepared statement: "I am personally honored to acknowledge this vote of confidence in our Museum by the CTA, with which we have always had a close working relationship. Everybody knows IRM wouldn't be where it is today without me. And we are more than prepared to step up and operate the CTA in the same safe, timely, and efficient fashion we run our own railroad. And of course, we're excited by the opportunity to hand out calendars and brochures to the millions of CTA riders every day. Also, CTA service will provide us with an excellent training ground to prepare new members for the more demanding conditions of service on our line at Union."

The General Manager of the CTA, who wished to remain anonymous, said in a press conference held earlier today that the agency was confident this unprecedented experiment would work out to everybody's benefit. "Hey, what have we got to lose? It's not like these are real trains or anything. Volunteers run the electric trains at my local Lionel club just fine!"

If you want to sign up, contact our regular crew caller, Jim West. He will be glad to fill you in on the available positions. And we have every assurance that he will continue to do his usual efficient job even with this somewhat expanded work load.

Nick Kallas Nominated to Supreme Court

(Reuter) In a move that surprised observers across the political spectrum, the White House announced that Nick Kallas of Illinois would be nominated to the Supreme Court. Several of the current Justices are expected to take the early retirement buyout that was recently negotiated with the SEIU, thus averting a threatened strike that might have thrown the government into turmoil. So several new nominations are in the works.

In a prepared statement released today, the President said: “It gives me great pleasure to announce the nomination of an incredible American. Everyone who knows him describes Nick as a man of empathy and compassion, with an instinctive understanding of the needs of the little guy. His long years of service in education and in the non-profit sector, and his vast knowledge of cosmetology combined with his skills in operating heavy machinery make him uniquely qualified to understand the problems of working Americans. I am sure he will make a unique contribution to our Nation’s highest court.”

“Nick who???” was the most common reaction from professional pundits, many of whom are so out of touch they had never heard of the famous slumlord and philanthropist. Of course, partisan political commentators on both the right and left such as Rush Limbaugh, James Carville, and Ed Rosenau were quick to condemn the new choice as insufficiently ideological for their tastes. On the other hand, many heartily approved of the selection and applauded the President for thinking outside the box. A man giving his name only as “Dave” immediately began jumping for joy when he heard the news. “That’s effing FANTASTIC!!” he shouted. “I can’t believe it! This is the best thing that could have happened for the mu--, I mean, for the country!!!” He was last seen doing handsprings down Central Avenue.

Before the nomination is considered by the full Senate, it must first be approved by the Senate Subcommittee on Deals of the Week. The subcommittee’s lawyers have requested thousands of pages of documents to investigate. The current plan is to use a front-loader to dump the entire contents of Nick’s office (seen at right) into a container and ship it to Washington. That should keep those government lawyers busy and out of trouble for months.

It is highly unusual for a Supreme Court nominee to comment on cases currently pending, but Nick is a man unfettered by petty notions of decorum. He let it be known that he would definitely favor granting cert in the ongoing litigation about DL&W 952. So the time to start sending in your bribes is NOW, folks!

Vote for the BIG DEAL!

Friends, fellow members, concerned citizens of every stripe:

Are you tired of people telling you that whatever you want, it can't be done? Tired of those same old lame excuses like "we don't have the money, we don't have the space, we don't have the manpower"? I say to them: Pfaugh! IRM wasn't built in a day by people saying it can't be done! Are you fed up with leaders who aren't willing to promise you everything you want? Well, so am I, and that's why I'm running for President of IRM! So at the Annual Meeting, demand a change from the status quo and cast your vote for President for ME!

Did I mention that also on the ticket are Frank Hicks for Vice-President and David Wilkins for Attorney General? Where could you find a more unique management team than that? After all, if we're capable of putting together a popular blog like this that's read by hundreds of people each year at no cost to us, we must obviously be capable of directing a multi-million dollar operation like IRM. So when you receive your ballot for electing the President, cross out those choices they give you, like Mr. Tweedledee and Mr. Tweedledum, and write in my name. Really, given a choice between the nattering nabobs of negativism and the palavering pashas of positivism, who are you gonna choose? Us, right? Right!

Huge crowds of supporters listening to ME.

Our political program is called the "Big Deal" because it includes lots of goodies for everyone. It's too complicated for the average person to understand, which is why we're having trouble figuring it out ourselves, but I hope we'll at least have a firm outline by the Annual Meeting ten days from now. No more business as usual! No more listening to "realists" with their tired excuses! For one thing, financial problems are a thing of the past. We should shortly be receiving a substantial sum as a commission for helping some friends of ours in Nigeria, and once a few misunderstandings are cleared up, we'll have plenty of money.

Now I know you'll hear all sorts of nay-sayers telling you why you can't vote for me, with complicated technical reasons or something. Don't listen to them, they're part of a vast conspiracy to deprive you of your rights. Unfortunately I myself won't be at the meeting. It was rescheduled for April 10th, which is actually my anniversary, and we had other plans. (Another conspiracy!) But don't let that stop you! It's time to demand a change from the status quo with a vote for ME! My name is Randall Hicks and I approved this message, since I wrote it myself.

And now, a word from our sponsor:

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We now return you to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

The Benefits of Volunteering

There are some things you can just never trust: weather reports -- the stock market -- campaign promises -- the latest "deal of the week" -- but there's one thing you can always trust: the accuracy and reliability of the information you get here at Hicks Car Works. We bring you the latest scientific knowledge that directly impacts you, things you can't find on any other railfan website -- it's truly "News You Can Use"!

Scientists and social workers have long suspected that volunteerism brings important benefits not only to the community as a whole, but directly to those who volunteer their time to make their community a better place. But scientific proof was lacking, until now. A recent study published in the prestigious McHenry County Journal of Medicine provides surprising confirmation of this: people in the study who started volunteering had dramatic increases in their health, self-esteem, and general well-being. You may find these results hard to believe. But remember that this is a scientific study published in a peer-reviewed journal, and that it is full of numerical results like "84.7%" so you know it must be correct. Here is a typical case study.

Before

Before becoming a volunteer, subject is bored, depressed, morose, even anti-social. With nothing to do in his spare time but watch TV and eat junk food, life lacks purpose and meaning. Has few friends, little to talk about other than sports. Subject has very poor self-esteem and absolutely no sense of humor.

After

Same person after becoming a volunteer at a local non-profit organization. Subject is now much more active and engaged. Self-esteem is improved by 84.7%. Subject has made new friends and acquired new skills. In fact, subject even appears younger, healthier, and has better teeth.

We cannot guarantee that your results will match those in this scientific study. But you won't know until you try it, will you? You have nothing to lose! The time to join the volunteer team at IRM is now!

Exciting New Projects!

I've been asked to announce the BIGGEST, MOST EXCITING PROJECT of 2008! Yes, IRM has acquired this concrete coaling tower! Built by the famous Wabash Railroad in Decatur, Illinois, this structure is about 80' tall, spans four tracks, and weighs several tons. But Nick is sure it can be moved in one piece, just like the Strahorn Library. So we're going to need lots of extra volunteer help to remove wires, bridges, signs, overpasses, and other obstructions from the path of the behemoth. And of course, we'll expect Max to come along in his bucket truck and immediately replace all the wires. For free.

While we're at it, anyone who has experience using dynamite for excavation or demolition is asked to please see Nick. Otherwise, this will probably be left up to me. But it might be safer to have somebody who actually knows what he's doing in charge of this phase of the project. In any case, we need your generous donations now!

But wait, there's more! While we're at it, we'll probably also try to take this old heavyweight passenger car under cover of darkness, while nobody's looking. Its exact history has not yet been determined, but it is undoubtedly one-of-a-kind and very historic. So we've started another indoor track space fund. Now how much would you be willing to pay?

P.S. I just looked in the paper. Your horoscope says, "Today would be a good day to donate generously to your local railway museum!"